But Deep Down There's A Light That Never Goes Out

the endless balance of life as we know it

Dearest,

I had this beautiful dream about you.  About old times.

But this could be it.

It’s strange to think how long it’s been, and how small you have become in my heart.  It’s not your fault; time just has a way of doing this.

I’m home, and I haven’t really told anyone yet.  I probably will tomorrow though.  

I never thought this would happen, but I think it was necessary.  

I’ve learned to live for myself, and not do things because it’s what you would have wanted.  And I think that’d make you just as happy as it made me.  

It inescapable isn’t it?  Moving on.  It may take years, but eventually feelings and hopes and dreams and loves of the past fade into nothingness.  There will still be times, but they are so few that it doesn’t even seem real anymore.

And I am happy for that.

I still love you, but I love myself now too.   And the emptiness has closed itself.

Time and I have come to peace with each other.  

I won’t say there aren’t any times where I ache anymore, but I can manage myself.  I accept the darkness, but will choose to live in the light. 

I’m sorry, but it’s time to begin living again.  I’ll try to write, but I can’t make any promises.

Love Always,

i wish i could remember the ending because no one is going to tell me

Dearest,

I have never felt like I have had talent until yesterday.

I don’t think you will understand how happy I am for this class and how it has empowered me to write.  This has become a passion, hasn’t it?

I never took myself for an essayist before, but this class where we make it so personal is so perfect.

I really think I’ve found a dream.

I’m sorry I have not written.  You haven’t missed much, but at the same time you’ve missed a whole world.  I’ve tried writing, but I always get stuck.  I feel so guilty about it.  How silly, right?

Two more weeks and I will have all the time in the world to talk to you.

Love Always,

i’m not who i was, and it feels so right.

living as a brutally honest liar

Dearest,

I need to stop being so goddamn passive.

It keeps getting me into trouble I didn’t even ask for.

People forget how profound an effect their actions can have no matter how little the initial action was.  They forget the fragility of everything. And it is only when it’s too late that they can see the string of choices that have lead them to this moment that they dread or adore so very much.

There are times when I become hyperaware of these instants.  Like, today I would not have encountered an old professor if I hadn’t decided to walk through the building instead of my usual walk outside.  Or if I hadn’t tried holding conversation with her, or if I hadn’t admitted to my passive mistake to her, I would’ve been much too early to encounter this other professor.  

Ways to avoid my embarrassment keep running through my head like watching a car accident in slow motion.  If I had told that girl no, if I hadn’t mentioned it.  If I hadn’t known she was her roommate or if I didn’t become her study buddy.  If I had never taken the class and met her, I could have avoided so many embarrassments on so many people’s part.  But how could I have known before all this played out?

Thankfully, she seemed to fully understand how awful I felt retelling this unfortunate sequence of events.  However, I doubt she’ll ever understand the warmth she gave me, calling me “Patty” as if it were so natural.  And even as she apologized for nicknaming me without my consent, she’ll probably never know how I fell a little bit in love with her in that moment.

She’ll probably never know how much her mistake made me feel home in those short seconds.

It’s great.

Love Always,

i miss you. all of you. so much

truly scrumptious

Dearest,

I keep having these little moments where I realize how much I have always been attracted to girls.

Man, I’m watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and I’ve realized that I was totally smitten with Baroness Bomburst.  That scene were she’s all in black with the braids….

It’s so silly but it makes so much sense.

Love Always,

and the crow perched above us with death in its beak

Dearest,

It’s been a while.

I’m back at school, the memories of the Orlando sun long, long forgotten even though it hasn’t been a week yet.

I miss it so.  I wish you could’ve seen.

I have the guinea pigs up at school with me now.  They hate us.  They’re so afraid of us and this new environment that is our apartment.  I wonder if they realize how far away they are from home like I do.  

This is the longest time I’ve spent with them, and I’ve learned so much.  They love carrots. Hate greens.  Khloe will approach me, but won’t let me pet her.  Aggie stares at me, watches me.  She allows me to pet her, but she won’t approach me.  I’m afraid she’s trying to gnaw her way through the cage.

I’m learning something about myself, something that I can’t stand.  That no matter what, this anxiety isn’t going to go away with my problems like I had hoped.  

I am having anxiety over how normal everything is now.  I feel like I lack purpose without conflict plaguing me always.  This is probably the smallest, yet the very hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in this small existence.  There is no solution like the others, not even abstract ones.  That’s not true, the solution is to seek out conflict, which doesn’t seem like a very great idea at all.

The smallest things are now causing the greatest stress.  School work is stressful for the first time since I was young because I have nothing else to make it seem small.  I don’t like it.

The heartbeat of home is fading too.  

Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing.

Love Always,

what have I become?

all is well and beautiful, but that never makes for anything interesting, does it?

Dearest,

Minus some unnecessary roommate rudeness, everything is just lovely in my life.

I feel like I’m finally becoming a person I like again.

And I’m so afraid because you aren’t in my thoughts like you used to be.

I impressed my writing professor today.  This was the first piece I had shared with a teacher since freshman year of high school.  She says I have serious talent, even though I have a hard time seeing it still.

Love isn’t important anymore.  Not right now at least.  And I kinda like it.

I cried the other day because I stopped missing you.

What do I do?

Love Always,